What Gaining Weight Taught Me
If you’ve followed my blog for any time now, you know that I struggled with an eating disorder, years ago. I used to be so scared to share that with anyone and now, I see it as just part of my story. One thing, though, that I haven’t really shared too in depth about was my weight gain through recovery and what that taught me, as a runner, female, etc. Today, I want to share that story and hopefully, encourage anyone who is struggling with an ED or body image issues through my journey.
Once I realized that I really did need to gain weight and really wanted to, I started making steps toward that. Honestly, I don’t remember having a specific strategy of how much food to eat and when, but I let go of all my old rules. I started eating bigger meals, food that I hadn’t eaten for years (i.e. pizza, desserts, and basically anything other than sweet potatoes and cottage cheese haha), and added in some more snacks into my days. And eventually over the course of a couple months, I gained weight back. To get into my health range, I needed to gain about 30 pounds. HELLO > that’s a lot to gain. But, I stopped weighing myself, I stopped worrying about the scale, and started living. Like really living. And this didn’t mean that I was gorging myself on food every night, but it did mean that I had to get used to feeling satisfied, feeling full again. In my ED, I would never really eat up until I felt satisfied. So, I had to retrain my thinking. I had to retrain how my body perceived hunger, cravings, fullness, etc. And through that mess, I did gain the necessary weight I needed to. And here’s the extra juicy information > get ready for it. I gained even more than I needed to. SHOCKER. OH MY GOODNESS.
But you know what, it didn’t matter and it was super healing. I gained just the right amount my body needed and it felt so good. Was it hard to gain 30+ pounds?
Yes.
Was it worth it.
Yes. A hundred times over.
And honestly, I was SO MUCH happier after I gained the weight. For me, it wasn’t about the number on the scale (especially since for so long that it was ALL that mattered) it was about getting healthy, getting my period back and living again. My whole senior year of high school went by in a blur of malnourished and food rules, and feeling cold all the time and feeling flat out miserable. And I was sick of it. I was tired of feeling so miserable and after gaining the weight I felt so much happier.
However, it wasn’t just the weight that made me happier, it was the freedom, the feeling of truly living life that made me so happy. It was knowing Jesus at a deeper level and walking with him in trust. The cool thing about my journey was that fitness/food/and running all went to the back burner (a little bit) after graduation and it was just what my body and mind needed to fully heal and mentally recover.
I ended up not running a ton for a while (since I also was struggling with shin splints) and I enjoyed food freedom like I hadn’t for a REALLY REALLY long time. And that’s one reason why I gained a little extra weight to go above and beyond my ‘just gain enough to be healthy on the scale’ number. I was by no means overweight AT ALL, but I gained an extra 5-7 pounds and I felt perfectly fine with that. Gaining that weight and also taking a step back mentally from running/fitness taught me so much.
It first taught me that running and fitness and healthy eating is not the end all and they aren’t everything in life. It was hard to get injured at first and frustrating to have so many painful runs. But it also taught me to trust the Lord more deeply and that really, there is so much more to life than just eating clean and running. Yes, eating clean and running were and are important to me and I flat out LOVE running. But, at the end of the day, all that really matters is if we love Jesus and love others. And that’s what should capture our hearts. That’s what should drive us. There is so much more to life than just miles and macros. (Even though I love both of those things.)
I also learned that size/weight doesn’t matter. Guess what, the people who love you most, will love you at any size. Now, I am NOT saying that we should just throw caution up to the wind and just do whatever with our bodies and our health. But, I learned that I didn’t have to be skinny to be liked or popular or more loved. I was loved because I was me. Not because I was athletic or a fast runner or that I was the healthiest person in the room. I was loved and valued because Jesus loved me and others loved me for me. Even though this is such a simple principle, I had to relearn so many of those basic things after an ED and it has really helped me walk through each season of my life.
I learned to approach fitness and running with a much healthier mindset. Coming off a fresh hiatus from intense running, I was better able to approach running with a healthier mindset. I wanted to run because it was something I LOVED. I wanted to run because I know it is good for me physically and mentally. I wanted to run for the pure joy of running and not because I had to, because it was forced, etc. And the same goes for nutrition. I remember being afraid that I would ‘lose all self – control’ and go crazy when I recovered from my ED. And there was a little truth to that. I didn’t go crazy, but I did enjoy things and many quantities of things that I hadn’t for a long, long time. I would never say that I binged or gorged myself, but I did enjoy foods and many foods through my healing process. And it was super healing. And after I felt recovered enough, I started digging back into nutrition and eating my favorite healthy foods. It’s amazing how our bodies, when treated right and listened to, do crave the things we need for nourishment. It took a while to learn intuitive eating, but it was such a great journey and process for me.
I hope the overall message is coming through that gaining weight was the best thing that happened to me. It was scary admitting to myself that I needed to gain weight to be healthy and it was scary to start that journey, but the results and the freedom gained from that experience have been 100 times better than I could have imagined.
I found a fresh love for running, I got my period back, I found balance in my nutrition, I got married and had a baby, and I found so much freedom.
I don’t say these things to boast or brag, but I say them to you so that if you are struggling, you may have hope. Because there is hope.
xoxo