My Story of Postpartum Anxiety

I feel like there is something about postpartum anxiety and depression that is a little taboo. Maybe culture is changing on this issue, but I find that in our society, it really isn’t talked about much and many moms who struggle with this, live in isolation, fear, and shame.

I was one of those moms.

It all started really from the moment I delivered my sweet son, but I don’t know if I knew it yet. After having him, I was expecting the sun to break through the clouds, doves to dive down, and angels to sing. But, when I had him, I felt relief and joy, but nothing to the extent I was hoping/expecting. This little seed of doubt, doubt of my own feelings and love for him, planted deep in my heart and began growing inside of my mind.

Once we got home from the hospital and through the next nine to ten weeks, I battled barely any sleep whatsoever and decided that watching Sherlock with no sleep and a newborn would be a good idea. (NOT a good idea.) As I filled my mind with all of these anxious, intense, and downright scary (I am kind of a wimp when it comes to these things) images, I began to fear for Benaiah. I began to image the worst things that could ever happen and figure out how to prevent those things from happening.

Needless to say, it drove me crazy because almost all I could think about was what could happen to my child and what if it was my fault and what if I couldn’t stop whatever from happening and what does this mean about me and am I a good mother if I can not even think about anything else and why am I crying all the time and why do I feel this way, etc, etc., etc.

It took a while to tell Landon how I was feeling because I was so covered in shame and fear, that I was fearful to share my heart. Really, it was a lie from the enemy, because I knew and know Landon loves me no matter what, but during that season I felt very alone and isolated in what I was going through. Finally, I broke down one night over a dinner of chili and started bawling. I didn’t really know how to put everything into words, but as I stumbled over talking and sharing my heart and fears with him, I was overwhelmed with a sense of love and support from Landon. His first words to me were, “It’s okay honey, we all have crazy thoughts now and then, we will get through this.” And he was right.

Immediately after I told him, I decided to reach out to my Bradley instructor who gave me a couple of counselors to reach out to. I also talked to my midwife, who pointed me in the direction of some medication. I got the prescription, but decided to wait for a while until I went to my counselor.

Guys, going to a counselor was pretty humbling. I guess, in my prideful heart, I thought I would never need to visit someone like that. However, through this journey God has shown me just how much I need Him and others around me for support and love. When I went to her, she quickly assured me that I was not alone, I was a good mother, and I was safe. She normalized things for me and told me that 1 out of 7 women struggle with some form of postpartum depression/anxiety and it doesn’t mean anything about how good of a mother you are. She also told me that having an eating disorder, prior to having kids, made sense since eating disorders are also mental battles.

As I listened to her calming voice, cried some more, listened to Niah’s sweet coos, and held Landon’s hand, the Lord reassured me that everything was going to be okay. And really, it has been. I went back to her again, and she was impressed by how far I had come in just two weeks.

And that growth, I give glory to Jesus. In those two weeks, I flew to Jesus, opened His Word, and found my rest in Him. I stopped by watching shows that had the least bit of intensity to them (literally, I needed to watch simply, hilarious and slap happy humor), I ran, I took naps, I drank hot cocoa, and took care of my soul. First of all, Jesus showed me just how much I needed him and it was in this time that He SHOWED up big time.

I was telling Landon, after I was feeling better, just how horrible postpartum anxiety was, yet how sweet of a time it was too. It was one of those times where I really, truly honestly, felt such a need for Christ that Christ alone could fill. And as He filled those needs, I saw Him move deeply in my life. I saw Him move in the way that He calmed my fears, the way He brought scripture back to my mind, the way that He led me beside ‘still waters,’ the way he brought friends over to my house (every single day) without me reaching out at all, the way he gave me listening ears and people to cry with and lean on, the way He gave me Landon’s support and unconditional love. I saw Him in my sisters who drove an hour to come and sleep over to be with me through the day when I was alone and my mom who cried with me and made sure I was taking care of myself.

I saw Jesus move and it was in that dark place that His light shown bright.

It was amazing to see when I shared my struggles, my fears, and shame with others that I found freedom and peace and joy. It was in those moments of vulnerability that I found strength. And that’s why I am sharing my story with you. Not for a pity party or a “I’m so sorry that happened to you,’ but because I want my story to be an encouragement to others who go through similar struggles, postpartum or not.

My encouragement to anyone facing this: Reach out to people who you love and love you for help. Do not let shame and fear hold you back. Know you are not alone, you are loved and you are safe.

And friend, it does get better. It took me a couple months of deep prayer, surrender, cutting out things of my life that were not uplifting, sharing my story, surrounding myself with community, running, eating well, and SLEEPING until I began to feel more like my old self. And as I began to come out of that fog, it felt glorious.

I found, once again, that true freedom, true surrender, true joy, and hope, and confidence is all found in Christ and that in Him and in His strength, I can walk with journey of motherhood without fear and without shame and without guilt and with joy and freedom and courage.

Psalm 34:14 “I sought the Lord and He delivered me from all my fears, those who look to Him are radiant and there faces will NEVER be ashamed.”

And when times come that trigger memories or cause me anxiety, I remember the words above and find my rest, once again in Christ. Friends, He will never leave nor forsake you. I am so thankful to feel so, so much better and to walk in confidence with Christ as my guide. And friend, you can overcome and walk in light too. It does take time and it is a hard journey, but it will get better, I promise.

Don’t be afraid to reach out, rest in Christ, watch funny movies, drink hot cocoa, get outside and move, and surround yourself with people who love you.

It will get bettter, I promise.