An Open Letter to My Seventeen Year Old Self

I sat down the other night thinking about what I would tell my seventeen year old self. That Bethany was wrapped up so tightly in an eating disorder that not many people could break through those walls and speak truth into her life. Quite a few tried to tell me to ‘eat a cheeseburger,’ or to ‘put some meat on my bones,’ but those comments didn’t help. Still others did find ways to speak into my life with the truth. It looked like my mom eating pretzels and cheese with me on the floor of the kitchen (as I balled my eyes out because I thought I was going to gain 150 pounds). It looked like my sister sharing a heart to heart moment about how I hurt her throughout my ED years. It looked Savior challenging me to find my identity in whose I was and not what I looked like.

But, I wonder, what would I say to that girl now. What would I caution her. What would I encourage her to do. If I could go back and talk to myself six years ago, what would I encourage myself to do and not to do.

And I think I woulds say something like this…

I hope you know that there is so much more to life than just feeling skinny. I know that it is a feeling you’ve been chasing after for a long time and you feel like you’ve finally achieved it, but trust me, it doesn’t feel as good as you think.

Reaching skinniness will cost you more than you know. Friendships. Relationships. Your period. Your confidence. And ultimately, it will take away some of the joy from your life. Don’t buy into the lie that you are worth more, you will be more valuable, or more attractive it you try to make yourself into something you aren’t.

I hope you realize that health is a good thing, but healthy DOESN’T mean denying yourself every single food. You will read things about ‘good’ foods and bad foods and ultimately develop such a small list of safe foods that you become terrified of pretty much every food out there. I hope you know that it is okay and good and HEALTHY to eat everything in moderation.

You will convince yourself that skinny = fast. I wish you would realize that skinny doesn’t mean anything except weak. Strong = fast. And yes, you will see girls around you starving themselves to become faster and more lean and more attractive, but I hope you stand out and be different.

I pray that you realize how much life you will and may miss out on because you are consumed with how you feel, what you are eating, what food will be at the next get together, and how much less you are eating than others. And I hope you realizing that is enough to wake you up from this vicious cycle.

Skinny doesn’t mean healthy. Always eating the healthiest option anywhere you go doesn’t mean freedom.

Ultimately, I hope you realize your identity is in Christ and He has made you beautiful, because of who you are in Christ. Live a life of freedom. Feeling enslaved to eating a certain quota of food or working out a certain amount of time or running a certain number of miles per day isn’t freedom. WALK, run in freedom. Relationships, life, friendships, memories, and moments are so much more valuable than the size of your jeans.

Because, I promise you, in six years, you will have wished you wouldn’t have been so preoccupied with the size of your shirt and rather spend those days, hours, minutes, and moments spent with those you love most and living life – with freedom. Because life is so much more than your fitness. And I hope you realize that.